


is this all i am (given all i can)

by landeskogs



Category: Mens Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Claude Giroux is not a nice man, Coming Out, Getting Together, M/M, Past Abuse, TK is nolan's best friend, The Devils are all a group of bros, but they're both happy after, i am a bitter hockey fan leave me alone, im sorry both nolan and nico cry, not anymore dw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-01 15:11:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16767607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/landeskogs/pseuds/landeskogs
Summary: Nico sighs. Nolan is one of those people who manages to turn two syllable words into four syllable words.“Yes?”“Get that pretty little Swiss ass of yours in here!”Nico sighs again. At this point he’s pretty much made of sighs.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title from “all i am” by alice in chains. 
> 
> please, for the sake of my sanity, click away if you see your name anywhere.

“Ni-co!!!!”  
  
Nico sighs. Nolan is one of those people who manages to turn two syllable words into four syllable words.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Get that pretty little Swiss ass of yours in here!”  
  
Nico sighs again. At this point he’s pretty much made of sighs. He constantly has to remind himself that Nolan’s a straight-as-fuck guy.  
  
So, he does what he does best.  
  
He fakes it.  
  
He fakes it for so long, like when they first met before the draft.  
  
Okay, that was an accident, he still had his media face on from the press release.  
  
His first game wasn’t an accident, and neither was the game against the Senators when he scored his first playoff goal, and neither was the five-to-two win against the Lightning.  
  
His smile was genuine when Nolan hugged him after he went first. His heart skipped a beat when it lingered for a little too long.  
  
“N-i-c-o!”  
  
“Yeah! Sorry, I’m coming.”  
  
Nico drags his heels into the living room.  
  
“What’s up?”  
  
“Question: would you ever be willing to date a teammate?” Nolan asks, not looking up from his phone.  
  
“Uh,” Nico blushes.  
  
The silence that follows must’ve been longer than anticipated, because Nolan clears his throat dramatically.  
  
“Did I make you uncomfortable?” Nolan looks up guiltily.  
  
“No!” Nico rushes out quickly. “I’m actually gay, so.”  
  
“Oh cool! Me too!” Nolan chimes. “Wait, no. I’m bi. I got excited.”  
  
Nico laughs, and for the first time, it’s real.  
<*>  
  
“You never answered my question.”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“You never answered my question,” Nolan repeats.  
  
“Oh,” Nico says dumbly. “Well, I guess it depends on who it is.”  
  
Nolan’s face goes through a couple of unreadable emotions and ultimately returns to his phone.  
  
“Um correct me if I’m wrong-“  
  
Nico looks up, and oh hey, Nolan’s face is right there. And then he starts fucking leaning down, and-  
  
“Wait, wait.”  
  
Nico scooches away a little.  
  
“Don’t do this just to pity me,” Nolan snaps.  
  
“Wh – what?”  
  
If you’re going to shoot me down, just say it. Don’t let me down easy. Actually, better yet, I’ll just leave.”  
  
Nico’s eyes widen comically and he’s left staring at the door even after Nolan slams it shut.  
  
<*>  
  
He still hasn’t moved his eyes from the door when Taylor opens it.

“Heya rookie, what’s cooking- oh.”

Taylor sets his keys down gently on the counter and sits next to Nico on the couch.

“What’s wrong kid?” he asks, and Nico’s never heard such a soft-spoken voice.

He tries to speak, but it comes out more as a half-broken sob. He wills himself, or rather, he tries to will himself not to cry.

Luckily Taylor doesn’t seem to mind, and he gathers Nico into a firm but soft hug, and all the emotions let loose.

<*>

Two hours of shitty Netflix and one pint of ice cream later, Nico finally gathers up the courage to speak.

“I’m, uh, a little bit gay?”

“A little bit?” Taylor snorts.

Nico glares at him from his sinking position on the couch.

“Sorry, sorry,” Taylor winces. “Thanks for trusting me.”

“Nolan came out to me today,” Nico says rather quietly. “Or, I came out to him. We both came out to each other. And then he leaned down to kiss me, and I wanted to talk to him first, but he thought I was letting him down easy, and he stormed out and left.”

“Oh, kid,” Taylor soothes. He gathers Nico in his arms again. “He doesn’t know. You gotta talk to him.”

“But it’s so hard! He’s in fucking Philadelphia and I don’t even have a driver’s license yet!”

“That’s what trains were made for,” Taylor points out.

Nico sighs.

“Okay, yeah. Fine. But what do I do if he doesn’t talk to me?”

“Then fuck him,” Taylor says honestly. “If he doesn’t see you for the kind, loving person you are, then fuck him.”

Nico nods a little and burrows his face deeper into Taylor’s shoulder.

He’ll get to it.

For now, he’s fine.

It’s fine.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s that Patrick kid, isn’t it?”
> 
> “Um, no, what – why do you say that?”
> 
> The smirk on Miles’ face says it all.
> 
> “One, you two make heart eyes at each other all the fucking time. Two, you said ‘him’ when you were talking about who you liked.”

At first, he tries little things to get back in touch with Nolan. Little things like not-so-subtly stopping by his apartment (in which Nolan’s car is never there, convenient).

He even waits outside the Flyers’ practice facility one time, waiting to see if Nolan leaves out the front entrance.

He doesn’t.

So, in short, Nico hasn’t seen or spoken to him in about a month, and it’s starting to get to his head.

“Hey,” Miles says to him at practice. “You’re looking a little blue. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, ‘m fine,” Nico answers, and then winces at how ingenuine it sounds.

“Yeah, sure,” Miles shoots back. “Need me to kill anyone? I have a fine-tuned skill for hiding bodies.”

Nico’s not sure if he’s serious.

“I’m fine,” he tries again, to no prevail. Miles is already dragging him to the other side of the rink.

“Okay. Talk.”

“Um,” Nico starts, and he suddenly feels very small. Logically he knows Miles is only two inches taller than him, but his brain makes the distance seem like a meter.

“Hey,” Miles says softly, and his face softens. “It’s ok. You can tell me anything.”

“So hypothetically, if I was having an epiphany over this – this person, and they haven’t spoken to me in over a month because they misread a very important situation, what should I do?”

“Hypothetically,” Miles deadpans.

“Yes, hypothetically,” Nico snaps. “I really like him, and I think he hates me.”

“It’s that Patrick kid, isn’t it?”

“Um, no, what – why do you say that?”

The smirk on Miles’ face says it all.

“One, you two make heart eyes at each other all the fucking time. Two, you said ‘him’ when you were talking about who you liked.”

“Oh,” Nico mutters dumbly.

“Don’t worry, you’re still you. It doesn’t matter to me. You could be a living lemon for crying out loud,” Miles laughs.

“A living _lemon?_ ” Nico chuckles.

“Sure, a living lemon. Back on topic – I think you just need to talk to Nolan. He seems like a nice kid, I’m sure he’ll listen if you give him the right reason to.”

Nico turns and skates back toward the group. Taylor looks at him skeptically.

“Everything okay?” He asks, keeping his voice low.

“Yeah,” Nico says, for real, and steals a glance toward Miles. The lopsided smile he gets gives him a pang of hope.

Maybe he’ll tell the team. Maybe he’ll get Nolan back.

He’s not quite sure. Maybe.

<*>

Nico’s dead tired when he gets home that night after having dinner at the Noesens’ for a makeshift Thanksgiving, and he collapses on the couch only to hear an aggravated pounding on the door.

He just sat down on the couch, and now he has to get up, and _who the fuck is knocking on the door at this hour-_

“Oh,” he mutters when he opens the door and Nolan’s standing there, his fists shoved in his pockets.

Nolan punches him in the face and then kisses him, and Nico barely has time to register what’s happening before he’s pushed back into his own apartment.

“We need to talk,” Nolan mumbles, and slams the door shut.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you,” Nico whispers, and he hadn’t realized his words were true until he said them out loud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> schätzli = sweetheart (thanks burningavenues!)

Nico tries for words, but only a breath comes out. 

“Nothing, huh. You’ve got nothing to say about this?” Nolan sighs, and he sounds broken and tired. 

Nico tries again, but it feels like something’s blocking the communication from his brain to his vocal cords. 

“Great. I'm not sure why I came. I thought you’d have something to say.” 

Nolan begins walking away from him toward the door.

“No,” Nico pleads. His voice sounds wrecked. 

“What do you mean no?” Nolan’s voice raises a little. “You clearly don’t want me here at all, so why no?”

“I love you,” Nico whispers, and he hadn’t realized his words were true until he said them out loud.

“What?” Nolan’s eyes widen like saucers. 

“I love you,” Nico says, with confidence this time. “I didn’t mean to push you away. I wasn’t letting you down, I wanted to make sure you were okay with it.” 

Nico stands up and makes his way toward the door where Nolan is standing. Now that he’s close, he can see unshed tears in the taller man’s eyes. 

“No, no please. Don't do this to me. Don't manipulate my feelings like that,” Nolan snaps, and the tears start to fall from his face. 

“Nolan, no, I'm not, I swear, you have to believe me,” Nico squeaks. 

“How do I know you’re not lying?” Nolan’s voice cracks. “How do I know you’re not like _him_?”

“Him?” Nico echoes. “Who’s him?” 

Nolan screws his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. He leads them back toward the couch.

“G,” he whispers quietly. 

“Giroux?” Nico asks, rubbing his thumb over Nolan’s bicep. 

“Yeah,” Nolan croaks. “He - he said he loved me. And I believed him. He was so convincing. And – and I said it back, but it never meant a damn thing. It was always him. Do this, Nolan. Do that, Nolan. In my apartment, in his house, with his _wife_. His wife! Ryanne was in on this too. In the locker room. That was the worst. He - he hit me, in front of all my teammates. I've seen the way they look at me now. It's all different. And when he was done using me as – as his toy, he left me there. Vulnerable. He didn’t drive me back to my apartment. He didn’t spend time with me. He took everything from me, and never gave back.” 

Nico's heart clenched with every tear-soaked word that came from Nolan’s mouth. His own tears started to fall. 

“The only person who noticed what was wrong was Teeks. Management didn’t see anything wrong with G. He has a no-trade clause. And I tried to break up with him, and he – I - “

Nolan began to choke on his words. 

“Hey, Nols, hey,” Nico soothed, tugging Nolan into a warm hug. “I will never do that to you, you hear me? Claude deserves to go through hell and back for what he did, and I'm sure he will, given time. I will literally fight him for you.” 

That entices a watery chuckle from Nolan. 

“Please don’t,” Nolan sniffs. “I don’t want your face to get caved in.” 

“Nols,” Nico says, suddenly serious. 

Nolan makes acknowledging noise. 

“I can’t promise that we won’t ever fight, but I can promise that I will _never_ hurt you like Claude did. I wouldn’t. I won’t. Not now, not ever.” 

Nolan looks up at Nico, his blue eyes twinkling in the dull lit room. 

“Me too.”

Nico looks confused for a minute. 

“I love you too, I mean,” Nolan clarifies, offering a watery smile. 

Nico smiles back, and Nolan _beams_ at him. And then he leans up and presses the sweetest of kisses on his lips. 

“I love you more than literally anything,” Nico says, a little hazy when Nolan pulls back. 

“Soft,” Nolan chirps, settling his head on Nico’s chest. His eyelids are heavy, and he knows he won’t stay awake on the couch much longer. 

He tries to get up, but Nico keeps him there with a hand on his shoulder. 

“Stay here, _schätzli_. It's late.”

Nolan definitely doesn’t preen at the name. 

He does, however, fall asleep on Nico’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see, it all worked out. i'm going to have an epilogue, most likely.
> 
> also, i'm sorry, i don't actually think claude giroux is a bad person, he's just the captain so i feel like the scenario just worked best with him as the antagonist.


	4. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since he’s been in this building.

It's been a while since he’s been in this building, five years exactly, the sea of orange and black all too familiar. The tribute was touching and he couldn’t help but laugh at the mixed chorus of cheers and boos. Looking over to the faceoff circle he sees the familiar “Hischier” on the back of a lopsided smirk. Smiling to himself, he situates himself next to Travis on the dot. 

“Hey man.”

“Hey Teeks,” Nolan chuckles. “Been a while.” 

“Yeah, you old-married folk,” Travis laughs back. 

He catches Nico’s eye and smiles widely, earning a snort from Travis. 

“Stop being sappy and play hockey!”

He looks down at his own red and black jersey and sees the newly stitched “A.” 

He looks at Nico and sees the “C.”

“Don’t worry Teeks, I've got nothing but hockey coming.” 

Maybe Nolan misses Philadelphia, sue him, but signing with the Devils was one of his greatest choices. 

From the faceoff circle, he can see Nico jarring with Claude, and he’s desperate for nothing to happen. 

“Don’t do anything stupid,” Travis mutters gruffly. 

“No promises,” Nolan mumbles. 

He turns his attention back to the circle where the puck is dropped, and he shifts his body slightly and sees Nico crumple down in a heap after a spear. 

He sees Claude standing over him, a smile creeping over his face. He skates to the corner to try and get the puck free toward Miles.

“Oh, fuck no,” Nolan yells. “G! I swear to god, you’re dead!”

“Okay then, _baby_ , you wanna drop ‘em? Or do you want to just stand by and whimper like you used to?” Claude sneers. 

The words go to Nolan’s head and he’s hit with memories of – nope, definitely Not Thinking About That. His vision shifts to Nico’s pain-crossed face. Then to Claude. 

“Don’t call me that,” he says, barely audible. 

“Hmm? What’s that?”

“I said,” Nolan screams, “Don’t call me that!” 

That causes the whole game to sort of pause. Travis and Nico look at him, and then at each other, with worried looks on their faces. Even Claude has the decency to look shocked. 

With nothing left to do, the refs blow the whistle. 

_You know what?_ Nolan thinks. _Fuck it_. 

Claude is at the complete other end of the ice, by Michael Neuvirth. Nolan digs his skates into the ice and sprints as fast as he can toward Claude, and jumps him. 

Claude gets back up and hooks his hands on Nolan’s jersey.

“You wanna go? Let’s go.” 

Nolan doesn’t think about what he’s doing, just drops his gloves and starts swinging. Luckily, Claude doesn’t have much experience fighting. Nolan’s fist connects with – with _something_ , and he hears a crack, and next thing he knows Claude is writhing on the ice. 

In his peripheral vision, he sees Voracek skate toward him. He turns around to defend himself, but he catches Nico’s eye, who drags Voracek away. 

Travis looks at him and smiles a little. His attention is brought back to Nico, who’s _actually_ trying to punch the numbers off Voracek. Nico's not small, by any means, but Voracek is much bigger than he is. 

“Hey, hey!” one of the refs yells. “Break it up, before you both get suspended!”

Nico flings Voracek’s helmet the length of the ice and glares daggers at Claude. 

They both skate to the penalty box in silence. 

“Hey,” Nico mutters when they sat down. “I’m proud of you.” 

“Yeah?” Nolan preens. “I am too.” 

“Wow, cocky,” Nico laughs. “Remind me not to let you fight anymore.” 

“Hey, I’ll fight if I want!” Nolan protests. 

“As your captain,” Nico says, turning on his captain voice, “I hereby prohibit Nolan James Patrick from-” 

“Oh my god, shut up!” Nolan snickers. 

Neither of them have their helmet on, and Nico’s _right there_ , and - 

Nolan leans in a little, and so does Nico. 

“You wanna?” Nico asks, his eyes sparkling. 

“Hell yeah,” Nolan smiles. 

Nico leans in to press a quick peck on Nolan’s lips.

In the middle of the fucking penalty box. 

<*>

“Nolan!”

Nolan turns to the reporter who’s been calling his name for the last five minutes. 

“Care to explain the fiasco that occurred in the penalty box?” the reporter asks. “That’s quite a lot of PDA for one game.” 

“Yes!” Another reporter chimes in. “Are you romantically involved with Nico Hischier?”

Nolan can’t help but smile at that. He catches Nico’s glance as he makes his way to the PR table. 

“Do you want to, _schätzli?_ ” Nico whispers in his ear. 

Nolan nods and faces the cameras. Taking a deep breath, he answers the swarm of media. 

“For the Devils fans who haven’t figured it out yet,” He starts out, “Nico and I have been dating since 2018.” 

“That’s five years,” he hears someone say in the back of the room. 

“Thank _fuck!_ ” Someone yells from the doorway. 

Nolan facepalms as Travis makes his way toward him. 

“Thank you for _finally_ saying something about this. I don’t know how long I could keep this for,” Travis groans, and wraps his arms around Nolan’s shoulders. 

“Wow, thanks, Teeks,” Nolan mutters, but returns the hug gratefully. 

Nico clears his throat next to the two of them. Travis dislodges himself from Nolan and makes his way out of the room. 

“The media’s still here,” Nico points out. 

Nolan cups Nico’s face gently. 

“Then let’s give them something to see.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which i make it all better! 
> 
> thanks to jen and caroline for helping me with this. i appreciate it.
> 
> p.s. if you’re wondering why nolan didn’t go to the wells fargo center in the past five years, it’s because he told john hynes (yes, he’s still the coach) about claude. john made him a healthy scratch. this time, nolan had to beg to play.


	5. Epilogue Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In all honesty, Nolan didn’t think he’d get here with any of his teammates. It’s not like he didn’t hope, hello, he was full of hope. He just began to think about it realistically. It became less about winning and more about actually playing just to play. 
> 
> As for now, though, fuck that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i really thought i was done with this, but i guess not :)

In all honesty, Nolan didn’t think he’d get here with any of his teammates. It’s not like he didn’t hope, _hello,_ he was full of hope. He just began to think about it realistically. It became less about winning and more about actually playing just to play. 

As for now, though, _fuck that._

The silver bastard was above his head and he was screaming way louder than he’d like to admit, but winning this on home ice was more than he could’ve ever asked for. Winning it with _his_ team. With Nico by his side. Most of the old Devils were retired, but a few still remained: Taylor, Kyle, Keith, the fucking beauty. Even Miles stuck around, refusing to leave Nico’s side. 

“Let’s fucking go, Patty!”

He hands off the Cup to Taylor with a whoop and skates over toward Nico, the floods of red and black ever-so evident. 

Oh yeah. 

He won on _home ice._

_“Holy fuck,_ Nics!” he yells, launching himself into Nico’s arms. 

“Oh my god, I love you so much,” Nico laughs back, pulling him in close. 

“Hey lovebirds!” Miles yells. “They’re announcing the MVP.” 

They both skated toward center ice, where the whole team lined up. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, whoever’s in the crowd tonight,” the announcer says. “This player has shown great integrity, skill, and all-around perseverance throughout the entirety of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. The MVP is... Nolan Patrick!”

The whole arena blows up, but the loudest cheer comes from Nico and his teammates. 

“Wow, okay,” he says when he reaches the microphone. “Uh, I didn’t expect this to happen.” 

Nolan takes a deep breath. 

“So obviously I wouldn’t have been able to do this without my family, friends, and fans, but I'm not one for sentiment. So, I'm going to cut the crap and save it for later, when I'm not filled with adrenaline.” 

This part, he hadn’t rehearsed yet. 

“There’s actually something I wanted to announce,” Nolan breathes in cheekily. He looks at the person bearing the MVP trophy and smiles. “Nico, can you come here please?” 

Nico looks skeptical, but skates over nonetheless. Behind Nolan’s back, the announcer places a small object in his hand. 

“Hi,” he says fondly. 

“Hey,” Nolan replies, his voice wobbly. He's still holding a microphone. “So, Nico, you’ve been here by my side through all of the shi - _stuff,_ excuse me – that's happened over the years since 2018. Five years, Nics. Five years of heaven and hell and everything in between. You were the first good thing that happened to me since – since -”

_Shit._ He didn’t think he’d choke up now. 

From behind him, Miles puts a grounding hand on his shoulder and smiles warmly. 

“Since the whole debacle with Claude ended,” Nolan sniffs. “And you’ve been the best thing since then. So, I have a very important question to ask you, and you have to promise you won’t laugh at me because of my impeccable timing.” 

Watching the realization spread across Nico’s face as he gets down on one knee, Nolan brings his hand around and opens the box. 

“Nico Hischier, will you make me the happiest man alive, and marry me?”

The entirety of Prudential Center holds their breath as Nico brings a hand up to his face, trying to wipe away tears. 

“Yes, oh my god, yes,” Nico manages out.

Nolan slides the ring around his finger, a simple band with the numbers ‘13’ and ‘19’ engraved in them. 

Before he can say anything else, Nico hauls him up and wraps his arms around his shoulders. 

“I love you so much, _shit_ ,” Nolan says, forgetting he still has the microphone in his hands. 

The arena’s roar is just background noise, the only thing he can focus on is the sweaty and slightly sweet scent Nico is emitting. Players and coaches alike are clapping and banging their sticks on the ice. 

They did it. 

No, not the Cup, that was never important. 

They found each other, in the end. And the rest of their journey would be spent together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, i am now officially done. 
> 
> this was a product of me being upset over the devils v knights game, but hey, they won. so i decided to keep writing it and here i am. 
> 
> yes i'm bitter. 
> 
> come yell at me on tumblr: https://mitchmarnerss.tumblr.com/


End file.
